*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Xylophonist Shredding It
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”