well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Cha-ching is my safe word
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I thought this was funny lol
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?