“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes