“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.