Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
You Might Also Like
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Bros before Ohioes
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.