Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Bruh PLEASE
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Super Hand Dog Face
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again