Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Cheers Twitter.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”