Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza