Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.