We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Meow