Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You Might Also Like
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Yoga Matt
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’ve had worse
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it