Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
You Might Also Like
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?