Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
lmao
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Love this one 😂🧟
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.