@ruinedpicnic: "Well boy," I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, "naming you E.T. clearly wasn't enough."
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@ThisOneSayz: 3yo: play it again! Me: I can't, baby *3yo throws epic fit* Radio, you're tearing this family apart.
@CliffDuffy: Doctor: How did you get all those bruises? Me: Rough sex Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop Me: Talk to your nurse about that
@goldengateblond: I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all "oh she's much thinner than I thought, I'll adjust the numbers."