All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
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Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I have never related to a cat more
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.