Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
You can’t rush stupid.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
is this how new cars are made??
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The Onion called it…again.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here