Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions