Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
No regrets in 2018
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.