“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
You Might Also Like
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good