I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Bond. Trauma bond.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.