@megalot_: Well, I don't know how my tattoo is gonna look when I'm 60, Carol, but I know you'll be dead by then so
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@Michael_Erhart: "I'd like to raise a toast." *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
@XplodingUnicorn: The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.