Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them