Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.