“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry