“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant