@usermcuserface: Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.
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@Mom_Overboard: my dog: LEMME OUT me: you gonna bark? dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT me: what things? dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT me: you don't need to bark at the wind dog: YES I DO CAN'T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
@juliussharpe: I'm scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
@TheMichaelRock: It's difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
@MarfSalvador: Cop: I can only hold you for another hour Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?! Cop: You know I gotta work, babe