Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.