I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Spring of Deception
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.