Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play