@PoorEvelyn: Well, if it doesn't include antidepressants, they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal.
@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That's a salad.
@BuckyIsotope: 6/6/14 Dear Diary - Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary - Guantanamo sucks.
@TheTweetOfGod: I've gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
@rickkondell: Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
@RdrJay47: Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.