@PoorEvelyn: Well, if it doesn't include antidepressants, they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal.
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@MatCro: [GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
@mynameisntdave: GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do? [flash forward to me hitting the pianist's piano with my car] ME: car his keys.
@EndhooS: Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea