[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
there’s probably a fee though
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late