Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?