Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
every single time
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?