My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.