we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Everything reminds me of my ex
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.