“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!