“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn