@ibid78: Well it looks like it's just you and me..
[tumbleweed starts rolling away]
WAIT TUMBLY, NO
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom]
Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
@paulablu22: Telling my daugthers date that "she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her."
*Correct way to parent.
@buseysteeth: You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
@causticbob: Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
@causticbob: A salesman knocked on my door today.
"Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked.
I said, "My next door neighbour."