My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?