@duplicitron: Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
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@RoosterMustache: *i sneeze* Atheist: bless u Me: ha! i caught u Atheist: no its just like, an expression Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
@TheTweetOfGod: Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
@SortaSarcastic: She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate.