No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.