@cbdoubleu: Well, I've got to hand it to you.
-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.
@ohpegah: "What an ugly baby," I said, much more audibly than intended.
@chris_isloi: So apparently "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad!" isn't of much use when dealing with armed cops.
@ericsshadow: THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
@loribuckmajor: After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I'm like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
@Mr_Kapowski: Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!
Me: I know. I was winning.