Can’t. Being lazy.
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.