I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.