Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Only short people can save us
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.