Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?