Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times