@realHamOnWry: Well, Lester Holt definitely lost that debate.
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@AddledPixie: Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
@Fred_Delicious: Police chief - "I've been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster" Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
@steveolivas: If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
@GashleyMadison: "For a really awkward time, call me." -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.