The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.