@tarashoe: well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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@iamburtjarvis: ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
@HandyJack420: My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that's 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop] COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID? MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@salmarch79: A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who's stressing you out.