me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*