@jordan_stratton: Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you'd brought a knife.
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@NakedWhiteAss: Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
@CulturedRuffian: INTERVIEWER: What are your skills? BATMAN: I right things. I: What do you write? B: I Right People's Wrongs. I: Oh so you're an editor?
@girl_a_whirl: Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you? Me: Pete, purse! *Pete pees on Louis Vuitton Me: I'll take it for 50% off