Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Today’s Times
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
when u come home smelling like another dog
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*