Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan