Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
They’re on their honeymoon
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet