Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Need WebMD
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Can’t stop laughing
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
your honor my client chooses dare
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Unimpressed
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?