“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point